Be sure to subscribe to Coach Lee’s channel with the “Subscribe” button above. After watching all the way through, be sure to read this article to reinforce what you’ve learned and to give yourself a better chance of stopping your divorce.
The First Step To Stopping Your Divorce
The most important thing that you can do if you are wanting to prevent a divorce is to educate yourself on what it going on.
I highly suggest that you open the two links above in a new window and read them thoroughly after you have watched the video above and have read this article all the way to the bottom.
The No Contact Rule can help you get your separated or retreating spouse back in a few ways:
- It prevents you from making harmful mistakes that can further distance your spouse from you.
- It can raise attraction from your spouse toward you by showing strength, creating some mystery, and by allowing your spouse to experience the consequences of what they think they want.
- It can give the two of you a break from arguing, bickering, and yelling if those problems exist so that you don’t further hurt each other.
It’s important to embrace and realize that stopping your divorce and saving your marriage is a process.
It won’t happen with the snap of a finger.
In fact, time is part of the recipe.
For example, as a boy, I experienced both joy and frustration when my mom would bake a cake.
The joy was, of course, because I anticipated eating the cake.
The frustration was because I had to be patient and wait for it to bake.
I often attempted to educate my mom, as most children do, by telling her that if she simply turned up the temperature of the oven, the cake would be ready sooner.
At that age, I never quite understood why simply turning up the temperature didn’t bake the cake faster.
It made sense to me, but didn’t work in reality. The cake would simply burn or bake terribly unevenly.
The same it true of your spouse’s feelings and desire to save your marriage.
Time is part of the equation and you can’t force it to happen sooner by trying to talk him/her into it.
Mistakes If You Want To Stop Your Divorce
Sometimes you have to know what you can’t do when you have a desired goal, outcome or result.
If you want to stop your divorce, you must demand discipline of yourself so that you don’t do the following:
Don’t Beg or Plead
It’s tempting to beg your spouse for mercy.
Some people literally drop to their knees, fold their hands and beg.
One deeply-hurting woman wept as she told me that she put herself between her husband and the door as he attempted to leave.
She dropped to her knees and put her head down as she begged him to stay and not divorce her.
According to her, he ran.
The reason that people beg is because they feel powerless.
When your spouse wants a divorce, you feel powerless to stop it.
The leaving spouse is the one who holds the power and the spouse who wants to prevent the divorce is the one who feels powerless.
And when a government, dictator, or anyone who holds more power than us is making a decision, we feel that all we can do is beg for mercy.
Begging for mercy, however, is not attractive.
In fact, it’s a turn off. It’s unattractive. Don’t do it.
Don’t Try To ‘Talk’ Them Into Staying Or Feeling Differently
As difficult as it is, you must accept the reality that your spouse doesn’t believe that he/she wants to be married to you right now.
Trying to have a talk with them to change their mind will usually push them away even more.
One reason for this is because the two of you are in very different frames of reference.
What I mean is that your spouse didn’t just wake up and decide they wanted a separation or divorce from you.
This has likely been months or years in the making.
You are in a much different place emotionally and mentally in that you are likely only recently having to deal with the possibility of your spouse leaving or at least haven’t known they were this far along in the process.
They are determined to leave and convinced that divorce (or leaving/separating) is what they want.
You are in shock and the fear of loss is increasing your panic to do whatever it takes to stop the divorce.
Because of you being in two polar-opposite frames of mind, talking will have little-to-no impact and will likely do harm.
Your spouse very likely didn’t get to this point over night and can’t be talked out of it in a few minutes.
So shut down the temptation that if you can just talk to him or her that you can convince them to stay.
It’s almost certainly not possible.
However, talking to them can plant a seed that can be helpful.
How To Talk To A Spouse Who Wants A Divorce
The key is that you remain calm.
Becoming emotional can feel like manipulation to your spouse.
It can feel like punishment and make them want to get away from you even sooner or faster.
Tell your retreating spouse that you respect his/her position and that you understand that it’s difficult for him/her as well.
Make clear your desire to do what is necessary to save the marriage and prevent a divorce.
Listen without expressing judgment (and try to honestly not have it). Instead, you should listen in order to understand.
Don’t allow this to turn into an argument.
If it turns into an argument, especially if there is yelling, anger, crying, or frustration, your spouse will likely be fueled to leave sooner and will remember the argument when he/she is having doubt about seeking a divorce.
You want to give them as little additional fuel going forward as possible.
What If You’ve Already Messed Up?
You are human. Humans mess up.
Especially if you didn’t know these things and were just responding based on the panic and emotion of learning that your spouse wants to divorce you.
I understand that it’s extremely difficult and hurts a tremendous amount.
I don’t blame you for panicking, begging, pleading, and trying to talk your spouse into staying.
Just make a commitment to yourself that you will do better going forward.
What If We Have Children?
In my article, “Should you use the no contact rule if you have children together?” I discuss how you can use a modified form of no contact.
If you two have children together, the No Contact Rule can be a bit more challenging.
It is better called, “The Smart Contact Rule,” in this situation.
If you want to stop your divorce, you need to balance the concept of no contact with the needs of your children.
Your children need both of you if possible.
You can also demonstrate strength to your spouse by including him/her as a co-parent even though he/she is wanting to divorce.
During this time, keep contact limited to matters pertaining to the children if you want to prevent your divorce.
Be polite, casual, and brief.
Avoid appearing cold, sad, or depressed.
I’m not suggesting you be dishonest, but part of healing for your own self is to do things that you don’t feel like doing.
Show your strength and project that you will survive and thrive no matter the outcome.
I realize you likely don’t feel that way right now and that’s okay, but it’s attractive to show and project strength.
And remember, part of what makes The No Contact Rule effective is that it allows your spouse to wonder if you are moving on, if it’s easy for you, if you will try to get them back, and other similar questions.
The mystery of that is much more powerful than certain answers.
That’s why you shouldn’t say, “I’m moving on,” or “I’m not trying to get you back.”
Your mouth can be your enemy.
It’s far more powerful if you allow your spouse to wonder.
Mystery, uncertainty, and questions can cause him/her to be preoccupied with you simply because he or she doesn’t know for sure where your mind or heart is at.
It can turn the tables to where your spouse feels the potential loss of you.
This can often lead to a spouse who thinks they want a divorce to begging for YOU back.
I see it a lot.
Your Plan To Stop Your Divorce
So let’s recap:
- Transform your mind by realizing that you can’t talk your spouse into stopping the divorce (at least not quickly).
- Understand that your spouse might be going through Limerence if there is another person in the picture. Now would be the time to open that link in a new tab or window and read that article after this one if you have already watched the video at the top of this page.
- Focus on yourself. That is how you can become more attractive to your spouse but also how you can be strong for whatever lies ahead. Don’t allow yourself to mope or ignore your responsibilities in life. Demonstrate strength, if only for yourself, but your spouse will very likely notice.
- If you have children with your spouse, you must not use them as leverage against your spouse. Contacting your spouse for matters relating to your children is important when necessary. Be polite, casual, and brief. Show your spouse that you honor his/her role in the lives of your children and that you aren’t going to use them as legal weapons or speak poorly of him/her to them.
- If you have already messed up, start doing the things you should and stop doing the things you shouldn’t right now.
My Emergency Breakup Kit can give you the direction, strategy, and encouragement you are needing to stop your divorce. I truly wish you the best in this and strongly recommend you read this article from top to bottom at least once more.